Remembering

Tonight I am listening to music that reminds me of right after Anna was born. It is Plumb's cd, "Blink". It is a cd with lullabies and songs from a mother to her baby. My friend, Jenn, got if for me before Anna was born. We listened to it a lot in the early days, so whenever I hear these songs it takes me back to springtime three years ago. When Anna was born I had all the intentions of breast feeding and began doing just that after she was born. The first time we took her in for a doctor's check-up he was a little concerned about her weight loss and wanted us to come in a couple days later. He suggested that I start supplementing with formula, but I stuck to only breastfeeding and waiting for my milk to come in. We brought her back to the office days later and her weight had dropped a little more and she wasn't peeing or pooing. From the doctor's office we went to Children's Mercy Hospital and was admitted. I remember driving to the hospital just numb as to what was happening and called my friend, Andrea, to see if she could come up and supplement her breast milk for Anna. I still thought mine would come in any day and didn't want to start with formula. At Children's we found out that Anna was severely dehydrated. They gave her an IV and started giving fluids. Later that night a doctor came in and said she was concerned about certain levels in Anna's system and that she really needed to start getting some nourishment. We decided that starting formula was the right thing to do. I remember holding her and seeing her gobble up the first dropper of formula like it was the best thing ever...to her it really was! I met with lactation consultants, took multiple herbs, drank tea, and a prescription to stimulate milk production, but nothing happened. I then found out that I had lactation issues on both sides of my family, so it started to make sense that I wasn't producing any breast milk. The second day we were at Children's Anna started having apneic spells in her sleep where she would stop breathing for a split second and her heart rate would drop really low. This freaked everyone out and at one point there were two nurses and a doctor around her little bed shaking her to keep things going. Mike and I didn't know what to do other than hold each others hands, cry, and pray. I think the apneic breathing was related to her starting formula and having a little reflux when she was sleeping...but we didn't know that then, so to rule possible serious causes of apneic spells Anna had a spinal tap at seven days old. Again, Mike and I were new to this and didn't really know how to react. I remember being so tired and stressed out during those days. I just wanted to go home and not hear the constant beeping of the monitor. Anna was still getting IV fluids, on antibiotics for any possible infection, and oxygen to help her breathing. She was so tiny and had all these wires going everywhere. We were in the hospital for four days. Thankfully all the tests came back showing that she was in the clear. She was taking the formula well and eventually we were able to go home. The first nights at home were restless for me because I was always checking to see if she was still breathing. I continued trying to breastfeed a little before giving her a bottle, but no milk ever came in. I knew she was putting on weight, peeing and pooing normally, and getting what she needed from the formula so I stopped trying to breastfeed. I still regret not being able to do that and wonder/hope that something will be different with this next baby. We will know going into this round that it's a good idea to start off supplementing with formula, though. Anna was a healthy, chunky baby and we have been very thankful for her good health. In those early days we had to rely on God's support and guidance because we didn't know what else to do. Relying on God is still a daily occurrence in relation to Anna's health, development, personality, behavior....anything relating to parenting basically :) One thing that is comforting to me is thinking that Mike's mom, Natalie, and my great-grandmother, Anna, watch over Anna when she sleeps and are her guardian angels. There are times when I talk to them in prayer and feel a comfort and peace knowing they are by her side. When we were in the hospital we had our iPod and speakers to listen to music. The Plum cd played a lot during those days, so I always go back to that hospital room when I hear these songs. For the longest time I didn't want to listen to that cd because it reminded me of everything that happened. But for some reason tonight when I was getting ready to write I thought that I should listen to that music, I should think about what happened, and write about it. There is growth and meaning behind everything we encounter. If we don't process through and think about it then we miss a lot. I wish we didn't have to go through all that, but know that in doing so we are changed by the memory and experience.