Today we buried my dad

Today was my dad's funeral. It was at the national military cemetery in Leavenworth. The weather was partly cloudy and in the mid-40s. I thought it would be colder than it actually was. The service was very nice. There were two navy representatives standing at attention when we arrived to the open-air shelter. The urn/box with my dad's ashes, a flag, and a flower spray were already there. Paul Pfannenstiel spoke and did a nice job. It was very hard when taps played and when the soldiers unwrapped the flag, spread it out, and then folded it back up again. Once the flag had been inspected and it was just as it should be a soldier presented it to my mom. Throughout the service I was struck with the question, "Is this really happening?". Even as I type this now I almost can't believe that it happened and that my dad is dead. The reality of his death is something that I've thought about a lot and almost keep having to remember that it happened. After the service was done some workers took the urn/box up to the grave site to bury it. We waited until they were done and then went up to see where my dad was buried. It is in a nice spot. On a hill by a nice, big tree overlooking the grounds. It will take about 30 days for the headstone to be finished, so we'll go back out there when it is done. Most likely around Memorial Day and his birthday. Tomorrow is the memorial service. That will be something to experience. The weather is supposed to be bad, so I hope that doesn't keep a bunch of people away. It's just a lot. A lot to take in and process. A lot to experience. A lot to think about. With my dad having melanoma for as long as he did, knowing that it was spreading and progressing, I always knew his death was going to happen. I knew the day would come that he'd be gone. Now that that has happened I am left with the ongoing remembrance of his death. Still feel relief that he is at rest and not in pain anymore, but not quite settled with him being gone. It's weird that he's dead. Weird that his ashes are now buried up on a hill in Leavenworth. Weird that tomorrow we'll have his memorial service. As weird as it is that's where we are. That's the reality of it all. Chris said tonight that death is the ultimate inconvenience. It sure changes things.
  My dad would have liked the funeral. If it would have been for someone else and he would have attend as a guest, he would have really liked everything that happened. I'm thankful for that.

It's been a while...

  During Lent in 2011 I started this blog. Each night I wrote about things that went on during the day or what was rolling around in my mind. I enjoyed doing that and am coming back to this blog for my Lenten activity in 2017. In the past I never observed Lent or any other times from the Church Calendar other than Easter and Christmas. Going to an Ash Wednesday service, giving up something for Lent, observing Advent in the weeks leading up to Christmas...all of that was what people in the Catholic Church did. In learning about the Church Calendar I've come to really appreciate taking part in all of those things that I once wrote off as Catholic practices. There is a deep meaning for each. Something that connects so many people in the church together as we practice in the present and also connects us to those who have practiced these liturgies through the centuries in the past. 

  The last couple of years Lent have been rather lame for me. I'd think of something to engage in and something to abstain from, but then wouldn't really do anything. So this year I thought I'd get back to journaling for my engagement piece. For my fast I am not wearing make-up. For a couple of years Anna joked with me that I should give up wearing make-up for Lent. I laughed it off and wondered why she'd suggest that. However, in the past six months I have become more comfortable in not wearing make-up as often as I usually did. Normally, I don't wear a ton of make-up anyway. When I mentioned giving up make-up during a staff meeting the other day most people said they didn't think I wore any anyway. I guess that's what I always thought you were supposed to do with make-up...enhance certain features but make it look as if you don't have any on. My main make-up includes foundation, powder, a bit of blush, eye liner, and mascara. This may sound silly but toward the end of the summer I read how Alicia Keys isn't wearing make-up anymore. She said she didn't want to hide behind anything and wanted to show who she truly was. In some ways I was motivated by that to realize that me not wearing make-up was an empowering thing and to try to be more comfortable with how my face is without the enhancements. I've never really considered myself a high maintenance kind of person, but when I was in high school and college I rarely, if ever, went out without make-up on and would never wear a hat. Maybe it's me getting older and not caring as much, but I kind of look forward to hat days now. Today it was really windy so I wasn't about to spend time doing my hair only to go out in the wind and get it all messed up. So I wore a Royals hat and it was great. In not wearing make-up more often I've become more comfortable with how that looks and like it. For me the thing that makes my face look different is eye make-up. Not having eyeliner and mascara on, I think, makes me look very different. So the thought of not wearing make-up no matter where I was going or what I was doing is somewhat of an uncomfortable thing for me. Before I'd have a clean face on days that I was just around the house or going to the grocery store. Most days of me working or being around more people I'd spend the five minutes and "put my face on". However, in thinking through something to abstain from during Lent I kept coming back to giving up make-up. In doing that every day it disrupts my normal day and makes me aware that something is different. Makes me more uncomfortable than I'd like to admit in thinking of going out to places without having that look that I am so accustomed to. 

  That's one of the ideas behind choosing something to fast from during Lent. To be change up your daily practice and be slightly uncomfortable with the change. That awareness and change then opens you up to thinking of and being aware of God's presence and seeking to find out 'what do you want'. What do you want? Dan said during the Ash Wednesday service that God asks that to each of us. What do we want during Lent? I've been thinking about that the last couple of days and haven't had many breakthrough epiphanies yet. I did think today that with the make-up thing that one thing I want is to feel comfortable when I'm around people and that comfort is tied to my outward appearance. I want to be perceived a certain way. I want to be perceived as being put together. If I am to be the most basic about it then I'd say I want to be perceived as being pretty. In my mind that includes wearing make-up, specifically eye make-up. I do think there is a beauty in not wearing make-up. A freeing, deep down feeling that I like. Maybe that's why I decided to do the whole sans make-up thing this year. To not be dependent on what I've always done in order to feel comfortable. To push at the notion that I need to have stuff on my face in order to look beautiful. We'll see how that all goes and what comes out through these next seven weeks. 

  Now the whole thing of being tuned in to God's presence more and engaging in prayer through my Lenten practice is something else entirely. I know in the following days I will write a lot about how the last six-ish months have been in relation to my dad, his health, and ultimately his death. The last seven months have been hard. Very hard. Hardy hard hard hard. It's taken a toll on my spiritual condition. Which hasn't really been that solid for the last year or so. My dad going through advanced stage cancer (melanoma) had blown a hole in a lot of my previously held beliefs on prayer, how God interacts with us, what it means to be a Christian, and a whole shload of other things related to religion and spirituality. What I've experienced in the last seven months has made that hole gape open even wider, so entering into a spiritual practice right now seems a bit vapid for me. I'm doing it, but don't really know what to do with it. Even in saying my spiritual condition is teetering right now I, in some ways, am drawn to a more mystical recognition of God's presence in everyday events. It's odd that I can feel so distant and removed from certain beliefs and practices that used to bring me comfort and at the same time feel a sense of closeness and/or recognition of a Prensence that I totally don't understand. It's all super fuzzy and grey. Nothing is defined. In terms of the Critical Journey I am securely in the Inward Journey and getting nearer to the Wall each day. Who knows if not wearing make-up and journaling each night will do anything for my current state, but I guess at this point it can't hurt. 

 

We're at the end

  Today is the last day of Lent and I had my concert tonight for Glory House. I've known and been preparing for this concert for a couple months now...maybe about as long as Lent has been going. It is fitting that tonight both come to an end. The concert went really well and I'm glad I was a part of it. Getting into the church and having everything set up didn't go quite as I had thought it would. But in the end all went well and I think people enjoyed it. The last song I sang was the Haitian national anthem. I sang two of the many verses (there are about seven) in French. It was an amazing moment when I looked out and saw all the Haitians there singing along with a smile on their face. There was one older gentleman in the front row that was particularly into it and he had his hand in a fist and was moving it back and forth to the words. When I finished they all stood up to applaud. I didn't expect that type of a reaction, but didn't mind it either :) I hope to go back to the Haitian church sometime soon and bring other people along. Everyone that I have met is so nice and I want to keep the relationship between us going. Idalbert talked about us eating together right before we left and I am very excited about that! I told him to tell his wife that I would come over and help make everything. We also thought that having a cooking class/fundraiser would be a good idea for Glory House. The turnout tonight wasn't the biggest, but in some ways that made it feel more laid back, which was nice. My dad took video and pictures during the concert, so after I write I'm going to take a look. I am glad that I can sit on my couch now and look back on the concert and I am also glad to have been part of it.
  This is the second year that I have observed Lent and done something during the time period. Last year I gave up Facebook and thought that was good just to unplug from "the network" for a while. This year the writing has been more reflective and much more of a spiritual practice. There were many nights that I would be tired and ready to go to bed and not want to do my writing, but opened up the laptop and did it anyway. I appreciate the examination of what happens during the day, what my thoughts are about it all, and then draw on any spiritual and/or sacred moments that were there as well. Writing each night has made me take note of things throughout the day more than I did before. If something funny or interesting would happen I would think, "I need to write about this tonight" were as before the moment would have passed without a second thought (most likely). The art of noticing is just that, an art. And one that we don't do very often. So much passes us by and we don't see it, don't hear it, and don't soak it in. Not that I am this all-seeing wise sage now after writing on a blog for a couple months, but it has brought out my self-examine more than before. I want to continue doing this and incorporate regular, maybe not daily, writing into my rhythm. I mentioned in one of my first writings that one of our pastors said that daily writing is a spiritual discipline and after doing it during this Lenten season I can agree. A discipline isn't something that is always easy or something you always want to do, but in doing so you grow and stretch.
  To finish up tonight I will end with my favorite Compline prayer. It is for Wednesdays and is named after Felgild, who was a Celtic saint. It is short and the words speak to me with depth, peace, and comfort.

"Calm me, O Lord, as You stilled the storm.
Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm.
Let all the tumult within me cease.
Enfold me, Lord, in Your peace.

Father, bless the work that is done,
and the work that is to be.


Father, bless the servant that I am,
and the servant that I will be.

Thou Lord and God of power,
shield and sustain me this night.

I will lie down this night with God,
and God will lie down with me;
I will lie down this night with Christ,
and Christ will lie down with me;
I will lie down this night with the Spirit,
and the Spirit will lie down with me;
God and Christ and the Spirit,
be lying down with me.

The peace of God
be over me to shelter me,
under me to uphold me,
about me to protect me,
behind me to direct me,
ever with me to save me.

The peace of all peace
be mine this night
in the name of the Father,
and of the Son,
and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen."

Good Friday

We went to the Good Friday service at Lakeland tonight. It was a good service and brought everyone into the story of when Jesus was crucified and sealed in the tomb. That is what Good Friday commemorates, remembers, and signifies. So, why then is it called Good Friday? Is it good because the ultimate ending is that Jesus rose from the grave? Is it good because when Jesus was crucified it fulfilled prophesy? Is it good because of the news that Jesus defeated death and forgave our sins? Can there be good happening when someone is condemned to die, beaten, crucified, and buried? In knowing the continued story I think you can say 'yes'. There is good even when sorrow comes. We may not understand it or see it during the sadness, but goodness can be there. Thank you God, for your goodness. Thank you for your grace and love for us even when we do not see it. Especially when we do not see it. 

  Tomorrow is my concert with the Haitians. My songs are coming along well...Mike and I went through the one we're doing tonight and it sounded good. I did talk to Idalbert today and he told me that we can't use the sound system at the church, so he needs to now bring sound equipment from his church for us to use. He found this out today. The pastor of the church went out of town today and didn't leave anyone to run sound for us. I think that is very poor on the church's part, because they have known for about two months that our concert is on the 23rd. I have a hard time believing that the pastor either didn't know he was going to be gone or couldn't have lined someone up to help with sound and also could have had the courtesy to let Idalbert know more than the day before. It's not my deal, but I am tempted to talk to someone from the church and let them know how poor of a job they did in hosting another group at their church. I think/hope things will turn out just fine tomorrow, but it is just one more thing that shouldn't have been there to deal with. This is another time when some Haitience goes a long way....

  Today was a good day. My mom didn't have school, so Anna went over to play at my parent's house today when I went to the doctor's office. The appointment went well. I heard the baby's heartbeat (156 bpm) and was in and out quickly. I set the appointment for our ultrasound for May 19th at 10:30. Hopefully Baby Li will cooperate and we'll find out if we have a he or a she. I've been calling the baby Li lately since we don't know the sex yet. In Creole "li" is the pronoun for he and she, so it covers all the bases :) After my appt. I went back to my parents and we all went out to a new Mexican restaurant for lunch. It was good stuff. There was a little more hanging out after lunch and then Anna and I headed back to Lees Summit. Anna was asleep within a couple minutes of being in the car and slept the whole way home. I stopped off at my friend, Jenn's yard sale to get a few choice items. I've wanted to get a sewing machine for a while, so I took Jenn's off her hands...I also found a Beauty and the Beast mug and thought Anna would like it (she loves it and drank out of it all afternoon and evening). Jenn saved a nice, gaudy costume ring for Anna, which she also loves. The other purchase was an old school Gameboy in its original fanny pack complete with Tetris and Super Mario Bros. I was seriously impressed that the original headphones and instruction manuals were still in there as well. And how fabulous is it that the "case" for all of it is a fanny pack with hot pink piping?! I'll have to plug some AAs in tomorrow and play.

  I'm looking forward to tomorrow for a few reasons. I need to hard boil some eggs for us to dye for Easter. I got a really cool decorating set at the store and think Anna will have fun with it after we eat lunch. I always like dying and decorating Easter eggs. I will hopefully get to sleep in a little tomorrow since I don't need to practice with the Haitians until the afternoon. It should be good weather tomorrow, which will be nice. I'm looking forward to the concert tomorrow night and really hope it all goes well. Idalbert was saying that he thinks only ten people will come, but I think more people will be there. It will feel good to sing for Haiti and it will also feel good when I can get in bed tomorrow night knowing that it is done :) 

  Tomorrow will be my last day of Lent to write in the evening. It will be good to reflect on the past 40 days and also look forward to the time to come. That's why I did this in the first place, right? To examine and reflect. Well, I'll do that tomorrow night, but then after that I'm done until next year. Just kidding. 

April showers bring...

....May grass to our yard because we need it. I think from all the snow we got this winter our grass died or got some kind of mold. Not sure what happened, but Mike is trying to revive it by thatching the yard, putting down fertilizer, and grass seed. We've never had the best yard in the neighborhood, but in wanting to put the house up for sale we'd like to green things up a bit. It's looking better and hopefully it will keep getting better with all this rain we're supposed to get over the next five days.
  I just watched an episode of Oprah where she showed clips with her best friend, Gail. One thing they showed was when they went to a spa in Arizona. For some reason in the last couple years the idea of going to a spa in the Southwest sounds awesome to me. I'd love to visit the region, too, just for sight seeing and a vacation. But to work in a spa vacation would be fabulous. Especially if I could go with my "besties" Mandy and Andie. It would be awesome if I could go with my mom, Rachel, and Libby, too. That would be great. Maybe someday we can do that. I know for Mandy, Andie, and me it would need to be in a few years when kids are older and days aren't so crazy with grad-school classes.
 One group I've wanted to see in concert for a while is Alison Krauss and Union Station. They just came out with a new cd and are coming to KC in September! I'd love to go...and the concert is days after my birthday, so it would be a great way to celebrate :) I just looked at ticket prices and they are pretty steep, but it should be worth it. Mandy and I need to get tickets for the JJ Heller concert in June. I am excited about that, too.
  Tomorrow is Good Friday. I have a doctor's appointment in the morning. It should be a pretty quick in and out thing (hopefully). My friend, Jenn, is having a yard sale that I plan on going to. She is selling a sewing machine and I've already put in dibs on it. She also has an old school Gameboy WITH a Tetris game, so I might have to buy that, too :) Not sure if I want to swing by the sale before my appointment or after. I am leaning toward going before, but we'll see how the morning goes. We also have a service at church tomorrow night that I'd like to go to. There was one tonight for Maundy Thursday, but we played hookie from that. It wasn't until the last few years that I heard about Maundy Thursday and didn't think the person saying it was getting their days mixed up by saying Monday Thursday. Those days don't go together, silly. Maundy Thursday commemorates of the Last Supper. So many things I've been learning about the church calendar and the meaning behind days throughout the year. I appreciate the connectedness of it all and that it gives a running current of celebration through the year instead of just on Easter and Christmas.
  I hear my bed and pillow calling my name. I didn't get a nap today, so I am feeling quite sleepy. Good night until tomorrow.

Adventures in parenting

It has been a long day. We started off taking it easy this morning and then headed out to Longview Lake for a while. Anna really liked playing at the playground, going down by the lake, and having a snack in the shelter. We went to lunch at The Fig Tree. It was good stuff. Anna snarfed up her eggs and sausage. She also really liked the vanilla cream soda I got. It was really good. We came home and hung out for a little while and then Anna had some quiet time in her room. She fell asleep in the car on the way to the lake and slept for about 30 min, so I figured she wouldn't take a nap. I told her she'd be in her room for a little while to read books quietly while I took a rest. It worked out just fine. Just fine until I came in her room after the quiet time was done. She had a semi-mess of books and puzzle pieces on the floor that she needed to pick up and, damn it, it took her a long time to do that. I don't like it when I get upset with her and raise my voice and I did that this afternoon. This afternoon and evening was trying for me. Anna is learning, changing, and testing boundaries. I try to draw on my teaching years and am usually good about keeping a calm reaction when redirecting her, but there are sometimes when that just isn't what comes out of my mouth. It seemed like Anna was particularly relentless in stalling to clean up her room and pestering Lucy tonight. It made me so angry to see her resist like that and also feel helpless and question whether or not what I was doing and saying was the right thing. In the end she did clean up her room and she did leave Lucy alone. Ha. I guess there is victory in that (if that's what you want to call it). Whenever I do raise my voice at her I always apologized and talk to her about why that happened. The morning and early afternoon was fun today, but the later afternoon and evening was tough. Luckily, during dinner Anna ate really well and followed my directions, so we watched a bit of "Beauty and the Beast" then got ready for bed and she was asleep by 8:30. I do love her so so very much, but man can she bring out some intense feelings and emotions in a split second. Parenting does not stop and is not always fun, easy, or enjoyable. There aren't set answers and there are very few times when you can and should say "I'm the adult and you're the kid, so do what I say". It just doesn't work like that. We all would like it to be so cut and dry or black and white, but it isn't. Luckily, when there are hard afternoons/evenings like these there is a much welcomed change back to a gentle, sweet, and calm time...like when I was putting Anna to bed. She likes for me to sing a certain song about angels (one I loved for my mom to sing to me) and then I rub her back while I say the good-night prayers. Those are sweet and tender moments and in many ways erase the sting from what happened earlier today. Who knows what tomorrow will be like, but I am hopeful that if things get rough there will be a much-needed turn around for everyone. Selah.

Paragraphs about the day

Today was a gloomy day. There was a storm front that came through and brought with it unseasonably cool weather and gross misty rain. Can't complain too much b/c on the other side of the state St. Louis is getting pounded with some serious storms and hail. The rest of the week, weekend, and into next week is supposed to be cooler and rainy. It's a bit of a downer to see the extended forecast and know that for the next week it's going to be gray, cooler, and soggy. Too bad we don't live in San Diego where the weather is almost always sunny and in the mid-seventies.
  Next Saturday is the annual Women's Solitude Retreat out at Powell Gardens. Last year it was rainy and gloomy, so I hope this year the weather will be nicer. This will be the fourth year I've gone to the solitude retreat and I am really looking forward to it. After learning more about being in solitude and practicing it more in the past few years it is a welcomed break to have a few hours to myself out in the gardens. We used to have a membership to Powell Gardens and I miss that. When we did have a membership I went out there a couple times by myself and really enjoyed it. The Harvest Garden is really cool and I look forward to seeing it this year. When they put it in two years ago I remember thinking that it was cool, but that it would be amazing once things grew and matured. Isn't that similar to how we all are? After a little time, growth, and change more beauty comes out that was always there to being with.
  This afternoon I practiced a couple songs for my concert this weekend and it went well. It was nice to play the Sara Groves song on an actual piano. I need to go through it a couple times tonight before going to bed, but I think all should go well on Saturday. It's been nice to get back to playing the piano again. I know I should practice more regularly to keep up on it all, but that doesn't so much happen all the time. It would be great if I could just be amazing at the piano, guitar, and any other instrument I'm interested without practicing....but that's just silly.
  I am listening to a group on Pandora called "The Civil Wars" and like them. I need to spend more time with their music, but from what I've heard it's good stuff. The Pandora station is good b/c it plays music that is similar to The Civil Wars and that works out to be folky, bluesy stuff that I love. I'd be in heaven if I could go to a bluegrass and folk music festival somewhere...preferably in Appalachia somewhere. It would be good music and good people watching. Not to mention I bet I could score some serious moonshine. Something Mike and I are thinking of doing this summer is going out to Seattle to hear the Indigo Girls in concert. We haven't seen them for a long time and have always wanted to go to Seattle. I might have to look up episodes of "Man vs. Food" to see if he's gone to Seattle and what restaurants we should go to. I like the idea of taking a trip with just the two of us before this next baby comes. If it works out for us to do that I will be VERY excited. Plus the Indigo Girls concert is at the Seattle Zoo, which I think makes it that much cooler. Mike's brother, Russell, and his family just got back from a trip to Seattle and from looking at their pictures on FB it looked awesome.
  We have an open day tomorrow. Not sure what that will shake out to be. Maybe I'll go out to Longview Lake with Anna for a bit and let her run around. I know she'll be asking me to go to the park or play outside anyway. Today at Lakeland we were talking about having a team appreciation picnic in June out at Longview and I need to go scout out a good shelter to reserve, so maybe we'll do that. I also thought that we could go down and meet Mike for lunch somewhere. We haven't done that for a while and it's always a good time when we do. I'll have to see what his day looks like tomorrow. He worked a long day today, so hopefully tomorrow is better for him.
  Today our fence was repaired from the hail storm and a snow plow gone crazy a couple years ago. To explain the crazy snow plow...it was during the winter after a big snow a couple years ago and there was a plow pushing snow to clear our alley way behind our house. We think when the plow pushed the snow there was so much that is broke in a back panel of our fence. In wanting to fix things in order to put our house on the market getting the fence fixed was next on the list. It looks good and I'm glad we got that done.
  I'm going to go let Lucy out, hope she doesn't bark, get a drink of water, practice my song a few times, and then head to bed. It's weird to think that we are in Holy Week and for Lent I will have four more days of writing to do before the season is over. Huh. There will be more reflection on this writing practice later in the week I am sure of it. For now I say good night.