Today we buried my dad

Today was my dad's funeral. It was at the national military cemetery in Leavenworth. The weather was partly cloudy and in the mid-40s. I thought it would be colder than it actually was. The service was very nice. There were two navy representatives standing at attention when we arrived to the open-air shelter. The urn/box with my dad's ashes, a flag, and a flower spray were already there. Paul Pfannenstiel spoke and did a nice job. It was very hard when taps played and when the soldiers unwrapped the flag, spread it out, and then folded it back up again. Once the flag had been inspected and it was just as it should be a soldier presented it to my mom. Throughout the service I was struck with the question, "Is this really happening?". Even as I type this now I almost can't believe that it happened and that my dad is dead. The reality of his death is something that I've thought about a lot and almost keep having to remember that it happened. After the service was done some workers took the urn/box up to the grave site to bury it. We waited until they were done and then went up to see where my dad was buried. It is in a nice spot. On a hill by a nice, big tree overlooking the grounds. It will take about 30 days for the headstone to be finished, so we'll go back out there when it is done. Most likely around Memorial Day and his birthday. Tomorrow is the memorial service. That will be something to experience. The weather is supposed to be bad, so I hope that doesn't keep a bunch of people away. It's just a lot. A lot to take in and process. A lot to experience. A lot to think about. With my dad having melanoma for as long as he did, knowing that it was spreading and progressing, I always knew his death was going to happen. I knew the day would come that he'd be gone. Now that that has happened I am left with the ongoing remembrance of his death. Still feel relief that he is at rest and not in pain anymore, but not quite settled with him being gone. It's weird that he's dead. Weird that his ashes are now buried up on a hill in Leavenworth. Weird that tomorrow we'll have his memorial service. As weird as it is that's where we are. That's the reality of it all. Chris said tonight that death is the ultimate inconvenience. It sure changes things.
  My dad would have liked the funeral. If it would have been for someone else and he would have attend as a guest, he would have really liked everything that happened. I'm thankful for that.

It's been a while...

  During Lent in 2011 I started this blog. Each night I wrote about things that went on during the day or what was rolling around in my mind. I enjoyed doing that and am coming back to this blog for my Lenten activity in 2017. In the past I never observed Lent or any other times from the Church Calendar other than Easter and Christmas. Going to an Ash Wednesday service, giving up something for Lent, observing Advent in the weeks leading up to Christmas...all of that was what people in the Catholic Church did. In learning about the Church Calendar I've come to really appreciate taking part in all of those things that I once wrote off as Catholic practices. There is a deep meaning for each. Something that connects so many people in the church together as we practice in the present and also connects us to those who have practiced these liturgies through the centuries in the past. 

  The last couple of years Lent have been rather lame for me. I'd think of something to engage in and something to abstain from, but then wouldn't really do anything. So this year I thought I'd get back to journaling for my engagement piece. For my fast I am not wearing make-up. For a couple of years Anna joked with me that I should give up wearing make-up for Lent. I laughed it off and wondered why she'd suggest that. However, in the past six months I have become more comfortable in not wearing make-up as often as I usually did. Normally, I don't wear a ton of make-up anyway. When I mentioned giving up make-up during a staff meeting the other day most people said they didn't think I wore any anyway. I guess that's what I always thought you were supposed to do with make-up...enhance certain features but make it look as if you don't have any on. My main make-up includes foundation, powder, a bit of blush, eye liner, and mascara. This may sound silly but toward the end of the summer I read how Alicia Keys isn't wearing make-up anymore. She said she didn't want to hide behind anything and wanted to show who she truly was. In some ways I was motivated by that to realize that me not wearing make-up was an empowering thing and to try to be more comfortable with how my face is without the enhancements. I've never really considered myself a high maintenance kind of person, but when I was in high school and college I rarely, if ever, went out without make-up on and would never wear a hat. Maybe it's me getting older and not caring as much, but I kind of look forward to hat days now. Today it was really windy so I wasn't about to spend time doing my hair only to go out in the wind and get it all messed up. So I wore a Royals hat and it was great. In not wearing make-up more often I've become more comfortable with how that looks and like it. For me the thing that makes my face look different is eye make-up. Not having eyeliner and mascara on, I think, makes me look very different. So the thought of not wearing make-up no matter where I was going or what I was doing is somewhat of an uncomfortable thing for me. Before I'd have a clean face on days that I was just around the house or going to the grocery store. Most days of me working or being around more people I'd spend the five minutes and "put my face on". However, in thinking through something to abstain from during Lent I kept coming back to giving up make-up. In doing that every day it disrupts my normal day and makes me aware that something is different. Makes me more uncomfortable than I'd like to admit in thinking of going out to places without having that look that I am so accustomed to. 

  That's one of the ideas behind choosing something to fast from during Lent. To be change up your daily practice and be slightly uncomfortable with the change. That awareness and change then opens you up to thinking of and being aware of God's presence and seeking to find out 'what do you want'. What do you want? Dan said during the Ash Wednesday service that God asks that to each of us. What do we want during Lent? I've been thinking about that the last couple of days and haven't had many breakthrough epiphanies yet. I did think today that with the make-up thing that one thing I want is to feel comfortable when I'm around people and that comfort is tied to my outward appearance. I want to be perceived a certain way. I want to be perceived as being put together. If I am to be the most basic about it then I'd say I want to be perceived as being pretty. In my mind that includes wearing make-up, specifically eye make-up. I do think there is a beauty in not wearing make-up. A freeing, deep down feeling that I like. Maybe that's why I decided to do the whole sans make-up thing this year. To not be dependent on what I've always done in order to feel comfortable. To push at the notion that I need to have stuff on my face in order to look beautiful. We'll see how that all goes and what comes out through these next seven weeks. 

  Now the whole thing of being tuned in to God's presence more and engaging in prayer through my Lenten practice is something else entirely. I know in the following days I will write a lot about how the last six-ish months have been in relation to my dad, his health, and ultimately his death. The last seven months have been hard. Very hard. Hardy hard hard hard. It's taken a toll on my spiritual condition. Which hasn't really been that solid for the last year or so. My dad going through advanced stage cancer (melanoma) had blown a hole in a lot of my previously held beliefs on prayer, how God interacts with us, what it means to be a Christian, and a whole shload of other things related to religion and spirituality. What I've experienced in the last seven months has made that hole gape open even wider, so entering into a spiritual practice right now seems a bit vapid for me. I'm doing it, but don't really know what to do with it. Even in saying my spiritual condition is teetering right now I, in some ways, am drawn to a more mystical recognition of God's presence in everyday events. It's odd that I can feel so distant and removed from certain beliefs and practices that used to bring me comfort and at the same time feel a sense of closeness and/or recognition of a Prensence that I totally don't understand. It's all super fuzzy and grey. Nothing is defined. In terms of the Critical Journey I am securely in the Inward Journey and getting nearer to the Wall each day. Who knows if not wearing make-up and journaling each night will do anything for my current state, but I guess at this point it can't hurt.