Here I sit...

...in my new bed. The king size behemoth was delivered this morning. It took a little while to get it all set up with sheets and such b/c Anna, Lucy, and Jack were all very excited about the new thing in our room. It will take some getting used to, but it is really nice so far. The previous mattress we had was a soft pillow-top and this mattress is firm. I tend to like softer beds, but I think this one will be better for my back and shoulders. For the past six months or so my upper back/shoulders have been sore on and off and I think it was because of our mattress. We had only had it for about five years, but with it being a pillow-top you could see the indentions of where we slept. There is definitely more room and with baby 2 on the way I think that will be good for those early days when she/he may be sleeping with us. Now I need to work on finding a new home for a queen and full size bed, plus some bedding.
  We had our small group tonight. I really like getting together with everyone and spending some time as a group. Tonight was a busy one with kids moving about, but that's how it goes sometimes. We started with an activity called Lectio Divina. In Lectio you pick a passage of scripture and read it through numerous times in sets of three. During each reading you focus in on a phrase or word that stands out, what that means to you, and how you can act on it. It is a great way to examine the scripture, your thoughts, and put the two together. Tonight's scripture passage was from John 7:14-18. It is when Jesus is teaching and the rabbis are wondering how he is so knowledgeable without any formal teaching.

Jesus goes on to say, "“My teaching is not my own. It comes from the one who sent me. ¹⁷Anyone who chooses to do the will of God will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own. ¹⁸ Whoever speaks on their own does so to gain personal glory, but he who seeks the glory of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him."

  The phrase that stuck out to me was "there is nothing false about him". We live in a culture where so much is false. False stories on how to be beautiful, how to find love, how to be successful. False stories on what is true and what is worth living for. That phrase jumped out at me and I thought that it isn't easy to have nothing false about you. Being completely true means doing things that are not popular, do not go with common opinion, and will ruffle some feathers. Jesus definitely did all of those things during his life and ministry. I was thinking how I can be more honest and true. How can I cut out some of the false-ness? I know for me that I tend not to speak up in certain situations to share what I am thinking for various reasons. I think it takes discernment and sensitivity to share certain things. There is a time and place for speaking your mind...and I also believe there is a time and a place for keeping things to yourself. I was thinking during Lectio tonight, I do think I tend to err on the side of staying quiet more often than not and could be more confident in sharing what what I am thinking. One thing that enters in is my processing speed. I tend to take things in and think on them for a while, so in the moment of a discussion I might not have much to say. Half and hour later after I've thought about it I can come up with all kinds of things to add or disagree with. That is frustrating sometimes b/c I wish I could think of those things immediately. Sometimes I can, but not usually. 
  "There was nothing false about him." That is a big thing to say about someone. To live your life in a way for others to say that there is nothing false about you carries some weight. It is easy to hide things and conceal them away. It is easy to be false even if it feels like it's not a big deal. I'm not one to sit around thinking about when I die, but I'm going to right now. If I can live with love, grace, and compassion and do that through honesty and truth I can only pray that the story it tells is one that has little to do with being false. I hope that for my children as well...that their lives will have a vision and purpose fueled by compassion and love for anyone they meet and those they will never even see. There is so much depth and meaning in the call to "love one another". I can do so many things without love being behind it and if that is the case do those things really even matter? Ginny Owens is a singer I love and she has a song, "I am nothing" where she names off numerous things we can do in our lives, but always comes back to saying, "If I do not love, I am nothing." If I don't do this with genuine love in my heart I am nothing. That was the main focus of mine during my first couple years of teaching. I had students who lived in the city in St. Louis and were bussed in to our school district. They were dealing with rough home lives, getting utilities shut off, not having enough food, and many other struggles. I knew that my first job was to love them. Yes, they needed to read and write. Yes, they needed to add and subtract. But first, I needed to show them love and support. Many times when I was teaching Ginny Owen's song would run through my head and I knew that if I didn't love these kids I was nothing. The last verse in the song says:

"Songs will fade to silence,

Stories they will cease,

The dust will settle covering my selfless deeds.

But your life here has made it clear enough for me to see

That if I do not love, I am nothing"

So many things fade away with time, but love is a lasting story that endures. May we all live with grace and compassion so our life stories are not nothing, but something with substance and above all love.